The Fine Art of Having a Panic Attack at Target
As called by the veteran play-by-play team of Marv Enberg and Will Balton
"Hello and welcome to our coverage of the Success in Socializing - Remedial Interactions (SSRI) league championships! Alongside color analyst Will Balton, I'm your host and play-by-play man Marv Enberg, and on this fine Tuesday afternoon, we've got a tremendous match-up set to go here, as St. Paul’s own Alexander Writedrunk takes on 'Buying a Humidifier Filter at Target in uptown Albuquerque.’ Seems like an even matchup, Will.”
"Boy, it certainly is, Marv, and it’s an important one for Writedrunk. In his last three SSRI exhibitions, he's been at 2.1 APs (Awkward Pauses) and kept his Continuous Eye Contact Rate (CECR) above 3 seconds consistently, and hey! That’s a big improvement over where he was earlier in the season. I talked to fans and they said hey, for his sake, we can only hope he's put those CMPAs (Complete Meltdown Panic Attacks) in January behind him. We’ve talked about how those two incidents were big setbacks, and greatly jeopardized his chances at getting to the title game, which as you know is the Slowdive concert this season.”
"It’s as big of a game as you could ask for, And CMPAs so early on can have such a huge impact towards the rest of the season. Do you think he's been able to fully bounce back since then?"
"Marv, I had a chance to sit down with Writedrunk in an exclusive interview, and here's what he had to say."
[Roll footage]
“Alex, let’s go back to January, if you don’t mind. Early schedule has you at, ‘Hanging out at Steve's place.’ By all accounts… winnable game. But, the reports came out… issues with drinking… volunteering information… needless arguments… misinterpreting what people were saying… sponsorships LEAVING…”
“Then there was 'Renewing Your Driver's License,’ which really should have been a layup for you, an easy one. But you filled out the wrong form, you didn't pay attention to what the lady was saying, your picture was an abomination, just awful, and then as you were waiting, you made the disastrous decision to call an ex-girlfriend in which the conversation veered toward the legality of abortion. After such a tough start, how has it been for you, since then? What has been your approach?"
"I have no idea. I don’t have an approach. I just show up and things happen. I’m a slave to my brain firmware.”
"Your stats have also been disastrous, as I don't think many Fantasy SSRI players are too happy with you right now." [laughs]
"Well, I can't worry about that, I can't think about stats. I gotta focus and go out and play my game, play within myself. I can’t turn the ball over, I gotta get off the field on 3rd down, and thinking is irrelevant because my fight-or-flight instincts completely take over in any given situation."
"What's been your game plan? What's been your game plan to rebound from such a terrible start?"
"I gotta make plays, that one play to turn things around, you know. If you wanna put points on the board, you gotta score the ball. Make plays. Big plays. Be a playmaker. And get really drunk. I mean REALLY drunk. That shuts my brain up real good.”
"Let’s put aside the unhealthy behavior, what are you working on to improve yourself?”
"I gotta make a play. It is what it is."
“.....what? What is?”
“You know.”
“No, I don't, that's why I'm asking.”
“Well, uh…”
“Uh huh...”
“That’s how it’s, uhhh…”
“Right...”
“...gotta make plays...”
[End footage]
"Fantastic job as always, Will. Alex’s blank stare and silent exit told the story. We cut now to LIVE footage as Writedrunk pulls into the Target parking lot, getting a tremendous ovation from our audience."
"The crowd is clearly behind him which is a great sign. This should be a fairly simple game for Writedrunk, as his main objective here is to simply purchase a humidifier filter. Now bear in mind, Writedrunk has never been to this particular Target location. It's still the standard size at roughly 900,000,000 square feet, so the sheer enormity of the department store shouldn't throw him off, but if there's an inconsistency with the store layout that isn't the same as other Target stores that he has set foot in, that could fluster him a bit. However, analytics suggest that the odds this Target store has anything unique in and of itself as opposed to any other location across the country, are remote to say the least."
"But this location could be different Will, and that's what makes the SSRI League so exciting, week in and week out! Anything can happen! And look at this, Writedrunk has entered the store, and you can tell he's already a little overwhelmed at the sheer amount of bullshit this store has to offer."
"Good recognition, Marv, he looks a little flustered already. He's taken a cart for some reason… boy, I don't know about that decision. Is he thinking straight out there?"
"I would guess not, he really looks overwhelmed. Remember, it doesn't take a lot, we know that much."
"The filter he's looking for can be easily carried by hand, unless he's going to buy something else? Not sure why he'd do that, he should be keeping it simple. The cart will decrease his mobility and could potentially create more needless interactions that he wouldn't have to deal with otherwise."
"Bear in mind Will that Writedrunk's Average Grocery Shopping Trip (AGST) last season was about 10.71 minutes, a very good time, which suggests exceptional skill with the cart."
"That's true Marv, but I still gotta believe that this is a questionable decision."
"Be that as it may, Writedrunk has begun his quest to find a humidifier filter, but right now he's over by the greeting cards, and he's made a quick move over to the towels..."
"He's on his way to the home and garden area!"
"He is indeed, and there he goes!"
"He's pretty deep into the store now Marv, and it is very crowded out there... that decision to take a cart is looking worse by the second..."
"I agree, Will, it is very, very crowded in this department store right now. You just gotta believe going to Target on a weeknight after 5 is a horrendous… just terribly regrettable decision that may haunt him for many, many yea—"
"But this has brought Writedrunk's cart skills to the forefront! Watch this move he makes around this lady that's going way too slow... he's able to cut in front of her before the person coming the other way can get to him, and he made it without breaking into a jog. That is some tremendous skill and some quick decision making there on the part of Alexander Writedrunk."
"Years of experience coming to the surface, no doubt. Will, I'm not sure I've seen any sign of any filters, have you?"
"No I have not, Marv, we've passed the cleaning supplies and there are no signs of anything close to any filters of any kind. If anything, I see nothing but embarrassed college students being dragged around by their parents."
"He's drifted into the dog food section now! This can’t be good!"
"Marv, I think he wanted to avoid the frozen foods section, there are a lot of people absolutely crammed into that aisle, but it looks as if that decision may cost him... oh my!"
"He's gone headlong into the toys section! And it is PACKED with parents that do NOT give a shit WHAT their kids do! Writedrunk is clearly rattled."
"After what looked like a promising start, it’s starting to come apart for Alexander Writedrunk. He has wandered somehow into the toys section, which is as unpredictable as it gets. And he is no closer to finding a humidifier filter."
"When does he ask for help, Will? When does that enter the equation?"
"Writedrunk's career Asking Percentage is 8.1% in situations of this nature... I’d say it's going to be a while before he asks anybody anything."
"Boy, Target has really thrown a curveball here for Writedrunk, using its sheer size to its advantage, a wise move. Writedrunk has no idea where he’s going right now."
"I think he wants to just get out of the toys section but it's proving to be difficult. I can only imagine what it’s like down there, in these conditions. And he has a cart too, Marv, let’s not forget that."
"This is turning into a battle of attrition. It appears now that... yes... Writedrunk has managed his way out of the toys section, without any physical harm done. The mental damage however may be incalculable. He's back over at the cleaning supplies and he looks helpless. If he starts going in circles and he realizes it, that’s only going to add to the stress."
"Wait a second Marv, he’s making a left... he's over by the home and garden section again, and if I'm not mistaken he's looking over to find an em-- OH he absolutely NAILS a display for double-sided scotch tape!"
"That was unfortunate, there's a LOT to clean up down there."
"Let’s take a look at a replay of what happened... yeah, it looks like... OH yeah, you can see it right there, he was waiting for someone to move out of where he wanted to turn into, and he overextended his turn a bit. That’s just terrrrrrrrrible execution."
"We're seeing some frustration boiling to the surface here as we're nearing the 10 minute mark. Clearly this store is taking its toll on Writedrunk. And there it is... he's approached an employee!"
"He has approached a Target employee, an older woman with light hair, crouched down by the packing tape. Clearly this was a great decision, Marv. That’s some good decision making right there. This is what the SSRI League is all about."
"Writedrunk sets it up... there's the eye contact... and there it goes. Looks like he had it for about 1.8505 seconds, that's well below his average."
"He did speak clearly... but WAIT a second..."
"Did he just say...?"
"Yes, he did, Marv."
"Ladies and gentlemen, Writedrunk has just asked for a WATER filter. A faucet filter. He did not ask for a humidifier filter.”
"That is... I don't even know."
“Oh my.”
“Yes.”
"An unfathomable blunder."
"Unfathomable. Inexcusable. I’m embarrassed to even be here.”
“Oh, my...”
“And he has NOT corrected her. I'm not sure he realizes what he's said. I can't believe I'm watching this. She is leading him to the water faucet filters. Fans are in stunned silence."
"You're right, Will, a tremendous lapse of judgment. They are at the Brita filters."
"Oh wow, you can see the look on Writedrunk's face... he is now realizing..."
"If this results in another CMPA, this season is all but over for Writedrunk. You can see on the Hormel Heart Monitor™, Writedrunk is not doing well, that’s nearing triple digits."
"You can see it on the horizon. The lights will get brighter, the people will get louder, everything will move faster and because of all that overwhelming exterior stimuli, his brain will move slower."
"Ouch, that can’t feel good! His brain is clearly slower as Writedrunk is not even bothering to correct the employee. He's going right along with it, as if he wanted a FAUCET filter, all along. Only in the SSRI League, ladies and gentlemen!"
"The employee has done her job, she's left the scene. Writedrunk appears to be shell-shocked, standing in front of the faucet filters. He's looking over his shoulder, seeing if that employee is out of sight... I can't imagine him delving back into the store to look for anything else right now... and there he goes, he is BOLTING for the door!"
"That's a CMPA if I've ever seen one. Look at the breathing. He is sweating. He’s clutching his chest, he’s turning red, it’s all over now. The Hormel Heart Monitor™ is off the charts right now, and a quick reminder that this segment is brought to you by Hormel, America’s First Name For Ham!™”
"Thanks Marv, Writedrunk is out the door and back at his car already. That has to be some kind of a record time. The agony of defeat has never been more apparent here."
"Very unfortunate. That’s another victory for the uptown Albuquerque Target. You know, I gotta believe Target had him rattled from the start, it’s just too huge a store with too much going on, and that’s what opened the door for the CMPA.”
"A very tough loss today for Writedrunk, a big win for Target, claiming another victory. Their front office has to be happy with today's showing."
"That's all for today's SSRI League matchup today, everyone! For my colleague Will Balton, I am Marv Enberg! Thanks for joining us, have a pleasant evening and a safe drive home!"
"Then as you were waiting, you made the disastrous decision to call an ex-girlfriend in which the conversation veered toward the legality of abortion." That got me good.
I have to admit my spouse and me know nothing about sports but we are consistently entertained by your arcane references to sports-personas, I don't know what it is but they always make us laugh! This was such a relatable experience. I will often do orbits of the checkout areas myself waiting until there as few people as possible so I don't have to make idle chitchat with strangers, or fidget as I stand there waiting. The next time this happens I'll think of getting a playbyplay by sportscasters hehe