Concert Scavenger Hunt

The definitive list of things you will only notice at a concert

Do you hate going to concerts? Me, too. But, do you still want to go to concerts anyway? Then, come with me, friend. Join me in an attempt to occupy your brain with something other than constant anxiety. Join me in… the Concert Scavenger Hunt!

Here’s how it works: the game is totally made up by me so the points don’t really matter. It’s just a list of funny stuff I tend to see at concerts, and only concerts. It helps me keep my mind focused when I’m surrounded by a thousand strangers walking in all directions at once. So here we go:

• Drinks you settle for. Overpriced drinks certainly aren’t limited to concerts, but the difference between what you pay and what you get is egregious. There’s always a “martini” that costs at least $14, and it’s a fistful of ice with 7up, garnished with one ounce of Karkov. But you still buy it anyway because it’s an opportunity to lean up against the bar so you can rest your back for two minutes. Worth 1 point per sip/gulp where you actually taste alcohol.

• Opening band that plays for way too long. I put this on here because of my experience with Neurosis being one of three opening bands for Type O Negative back in 2001. Their sound was mixed so badly that people were leaving just to get away from them. The low end was up WAYYY too high, and the band apparently did not notice, or care. They played for over an hour, and there were something like two dozen people left on the floor by the time they were done. Everyone else was outside for a smoke, even people that didn’t usually smoke. If you’re an opening band, do not play for more than 45 minutes, please. Worth 3 points, or 2 Immodium.

  

• Guy who shouts “SORRY” as he’s jutting through the crowd. It’s always a dude, he always makes bad decisions about when to walk directly in front of people, and he’s always sorry. He knows he sucks at navigating crowds but he doesn’t care, so he thinks that shouting SORRY every 2 seconds like broken alarm clock will free him of any responsibility and guilt. SORRY. SORRY. SORRY. Worth 1 point for each “SORRY.”

• Person and/or couple who thinks it’s a good idea to settle into a spot right next to the bathroom, then gets really annoyed when tons of people keep walking in front of or behind them. This one is kinda rare since bathrooms are usually out in the lobby of most venues, but in some places like the Historic El Rey Theater in Albuquerque, the bathrooms are right next to the main stage. Settling into a spot near the bathrooms locks you in to a night of bad vibes and bad smells. Worth 1 point for each person you notice made this specific bad decision.

• Person you notice between bands that passes by in front of you like 5 times in the span of 10 minutes. Who is this person?? Why do I see them walking past me every time I break eye contact with whoever I’m talking to? What is so important to them that they have to be constantly wandering around in the middle of a concert? How are they able to navigate these crowds so well? Worth 1 point for each notice.

• People who don’t care about any of the bands but still want to get the crap kicked out of them. This one really only applies to metal shows, and it leads to an embarrassing story: When I was 17, my girlfriend (at the time) and I went to every concert we could, even if we hadn’t heard of the band. If we felt like it, we’d go up to the front, and depending on the vibe, jump into the pit. We did this when we saw Stuck Mojo back in 1999 at The Quest in Minneapolis.

  

  The band was fantastic — Stuck Mojo was one of those cult bands who didn’t have that big of a following, but their fans *really* loved them. The singer was jumping into the crowd, handing off the mic, and letting fans sing parts of songs. Eventually the mic comes to me, and uhhhh… I don’t know a single Stuck Mojo song, let alone the one they’re playing. So I just kinda awkwardly went, “….yyyyyEEEEAAAHHHH…” before sheepishly giving the mic back to the singer. There was a moment that lasted about 0.27 seconds, where I noticed disappointment and pure “WTF” in his face. It didn’t last long, but it was there. I’ll never forget it. Worth 1 point for each time you remember embarrassing yourself.

• People who are only there for the opening band. These people are awesome. Just last week, my partner and I went to see Slowdive, with Drab Majesty opening. I hadn’t heard of the latter, but a ton of other people had. It was a sizable group that was digging every song start to finish, and when the band left the stage, they flocked to their merch table. That, to me, is how things are supposed to work — if you want to support a band you like, don’t just download their music, or buy their albums. Go to their shows and buy merch, even if it’s not “their” show. The money you spend for tickets and merch is a more direct route to the people actually writing and making music. Worth 1 point if you dig the opening band.

• Opening band who’s nothing like the main act you came to see. This is always hit-or-miss. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. When my partner and I went to see Echo and the Bunnymen a couple years ago (an 80s new wave band), the opening act was an acoustic act where every other song was about “girls in California” or some nonsense. It was a bizarre mix. Worth 1 point if you hate the opening band and regret coming to the show early.

• The bass player who makes meaningful eye contact with you like 3 or 4 times. Maybe this is just me, but it’s always the freaking bass player that’s a little too into the music, and if it’s a small enough show, they’re gonna make eye contact with whoever they can, and it’s ended up being me a few times. Dude, stop looking at me every other verse. Yes, I notice how sick that lick is. Yes, I can tell you’re really feeling the music right now. Yes, you’re really into this song. Yes, I’m really uncomfortable. Worth 1 point each time you consider leaving to go buy a $14 “martini.”

• When the main act plays for a little too long. This has become a lot more prevalent as I’ve gotten older, because I have a bad back and I hate standing on a concrete floor for longer than 10 minutes, let alone two and a half hours. “A little too long” always depends on how much you like the band. For example, for me, Carcass is never playing for a little too long. But, if I’m going to a show of a band I’m not as into, like KMFDM, or Ministry, or whatever, then uh, no offense but, I really don’t need two encores. I heard “Juke Joint Jezebel” and “Jesus Built My Hot Rod,” I’m good. Worth 1 point for each encore.

• And we all are very familiar with this one — When the main act plays something from the new album and nobody cares. No need to labor over it, we all use it as a bathroom break and it’s just a part of every show now. Worth 1 point for every bathroom break.

• Finally, the last item on this scavenger hunt is, meeting the band after the show. I used to insist on doing this after every show back when I was a teenager. I wouldn’t even ask for a picture or autograph or whatever. I just got a huge kick out of seeing musicians, who looked like gods mere hours ago, look like normal people who just wanted to get the hell out of there.

  

Most of the time, bands will shuffle by, signing a few autographs and talking for a bit. Nothing spectacular, outside of the wonder of, “Wow, they’re just regular people, who get to play music for a living.”

But there is a standout moment. After a Type O Negative show in October 1999, shortly after “World Coming Down” had been released, my girlfriend at the time and I waited outside behind the venue after the show. After a couple hours, we see Johnny Kelly and Kenny Hickey (didn't ever see Josh Silver) make their way to the bus. About an hour after that, lead singer Peter Steele BOOTS open the back door of the venue, lets out a giant, "YOOOOOO!"

This dude has a drop dead gorgeous woman on each arm, a huge deli tray of meat and cheese in one hand, and a cartoonishly oversized bottle of wine in the other. He takes pictures with a few folks but I don’t want to bother him. There's no way I want to ruin this guy's good time. I hated waiting around for hours, but I will never forget the visual of the giant boot kicking the door open and a drunk Peter staggering down the stairs. That guy knew how to live. 1 point for each 6’6” drunk goth dude you see

That’s it for now. If you know of any other concert cliches that belong on this list, let me know through the comments, or just email me, alex at snesdrunk dot com. Thanks for reading and enjoy the rest of your day!

-Alex